The Cabbage of Truth

The One Cabbage to shut them all down. Whatever this cabbage speaks is absolute truth, unless he speaks about socialism, in which case he's high on carrots again. We try to tell him he shouldn't inject carrots into his veins, but the Great Red Villain Jeremy Corbyn tells him so.

Anyway, it all started when Bluemin and his Guards marched over the fields, having just delivered battle, and many had died. They passed a cabbage farm, and there, in the fields, Bluemin could see a lonely cabbage, forgotten by the farmer. It was raining and cold, but Bluemin commanded the column to halt and dismounted.

As he approached, he sensed this strange feeling of enlightment. He picked up the cabbage, and even though it weighed one gorillion kg, Bluemin wasn't a mere man and he picked it up. He adopted the cabbage as his own son, and the column continued the march home.

From then on, the cabbage would help Bluemin in all legal matters, judging cases between squabbling farmers and giving diplomatic advice, for he always spoke the one and only Truth. The Patriarch didn't like to see the Emperor depending so much on a cabbage, but Bluemin dismissed it. He would be fine... right?

It was a stormy night when it happened. Bluemin was laying in bed, the cabbage beside him. He could hear the soft breathing of the vegetable, could see the fine contours of the cabbage, and the emperor was kinda thirsty as he didn't have a Basilissa for over a year... So it was then that he ate from the Cabbage of Truth against its will. You could say he raped him, but now, Bluemin had th e powers of the cabbage as well.

Radicalization
This... changed the cabbage. He roamed the streets of the Blue City, scarred, violated, where he met James Pringle. Pringle, who was the son of the founder of Pringles, was a communist and therefore constantly on the run, because communism was de jure outlawed. He took the Cabbage under his care, and taught him everything he knew about communism. He told him this was a perfect example of how the nobility scum took whatever they wanted, and the Cabbage believed him, for part of his powers of Truth were taken away. Together, they plotted to overthrow the Basileus.

Present day
However, Bluemin knows all, and he was waiting for them in his throne room. An epic battle ensued, with James using his Soviet Gun to blas commie songs, while Cabbage fired a rain of small-caliber cabbages at Bluemin. Bluemin overcame them easily, however, as the whole universe knows socialism is no match for monarchism. He decapitated the Pringle and paraded his head on a spike for a hundred days. He forgave Cabbage, but to this very day Cabbage still has socialist tendencies.