First Bulgarian War

Prelude
It was a beautiful day in the Blue Realm, as always. The markets were filled with people and travelers from far and wide, trading and buying the best memes, while Bluemin was sitting on the steps of his Palace with his cult members, rating the peasant girls. All was good. Bluemin decided to make some money for himself, so he went to the main square to try to sell a new spicy Bulgarian meme he had crafted. Millions of shekels were offered, but then, everything fell silent: the bells of the watchtower rang. Enemies were approaching.

Bluemin rallied his Guard, and they stormed up the steps to the walls. In the distance, they could see a vast host of enemies: millions of Bulgarians had gathered to end the trade in Bulgarian memes, the invasion funded by the Jews admins of the Facebook Realm.

The host was in the millions, with thousands of siege engines. They loaded up the mangonels and trebuchets with salt bombs, and launched them at the citadel. Bluemin and his forces took cover, but they weren't harmed by the low quality salt barrage. They cheered and launched the spiciest of memes at the Bulgarians, which burned their eyes away and inflicted heavy casualties. Bluemin saw that this was a piece of cake, and gathered his forces at the gate. The massive steel doors opened and they sallied out.

The battle
Bluemin and his troops lined up, and they all screeched their loudest screech. Bulgarian morale dropped, and they tried to counter it by throwing one-star ratings at the Guard, but they just bounced off their armour. Bluemin raised his mighty Banhammer, and he lead the charge, as the Bulgarian lines broke even before impact. The Bulgarian retreat quickly became a rout. Bluemin crushed enemies left and right, the Decarch slashed all around him with deadly efficieny. Victory was near.

The tables turn
But in the very back lines of the Bulgarians, there was a circle of shamans, gathered around a bonfire, in which they threw one-star ratings, report scrolls, salt and newborn babies. As the Blue Guard pressed on, Bluemin could see the dark sorcery at work, and he realised what they were doing. He tried to rush to them, but was too late: out of the flames emerged the Jew Demon King, great Zucc the Cucc. Bluemin knew he could never win, and he was squashed by the Demon in less than a nanosecond. The Decarch rushed to his side, and with his last powers, Bluemin whispered with his always erotic voice: Please, Decarch... take over until I return, after which his body vanished into thin air. The Decarch started crying, and was forcibly dragged back inside the Citadel by the Guard.

The 24-hour Regency
The situation looked grim. Outside the walls, the Bulgarians had regained their morale, blasting the Bulgarian National Anthem 24/7 through enormous boomboxes, dancing around bonfires and feasting on salt and newborn Macedonian babies. The Decarch tried to keep his forces in line, but here and there signs of mutiny started to rise... it was at this very moment that Patriarch Michael I had a vision. In his dream, Bluemin came to him, and said that he'd be among them again shortly, but that Michael had to proclaim his loyalty to the Decarch in public to keep order. Michael woke up, and as the sun rose in the sky, he hurried down the hilltop to the central square, where the Decarch was busy crying and drinking wine because he feared he'd lose control. In a rousing speech, Michael proclaimed his loyalty to the Decarch, after which the whole city erupted in cheering. The Decarch kept wasting himself though.

The second battle
As the crowds cheered, the clouds opened, and in a beam of light, all could see Bluemin who crashed into the Bulgarian camp, killing thousands in the nuclear blast. From the walls, they could see Bluemin smashing hundreds of Bulgarians in one swing with his Banhammer, and the Guard charged out of the Citadel once more, routing the foe, and slaying hundreds of thousands. The Decarch and the whole Guard knelt, and Bluemin blessed them all for their courage and skill. The First Bulgarian War was won, but who knows when the next invasion will happen?